One year Cancer free! I embraced the joy of this the same way I might enjoy dancing on a deserted battlefield with a flowing white gown and tiara as my only weapon, knowing there could be snipers in the brush. My battlefield looks like Gettysburg, beautifully important and civil. Something wonderful happened in that place, the echo of sacrificed souls whisper a reminder of the cost if it should happened again. The silenced war is a peaceful place for the survivors and the deceased once a new perspective takes place. Did I really dance on such a field? I thought the day would bring accomplished gratitude with it, but I wept all day and all weekend, not even a muster of celebration. Weeping is NOT the same as crying. You cry when you think about your circumstance, but you weep when you go about your day and the tears arrive anyway.
Perplexing how fast it went by and how fast I settled back into old habits of just living life. All my emotions of joy and pain, love and loss, fear and peace where bottled up and shaken on this anniversary. Much like the pop of a bottle of Champagne, my tears couldn’t be contained. You would think I just received the news all over again. Delayed reaction I presume. Suck it up, put your shoulders back and march forward, keeping focus doesn’t allow for much reflection. That’s what busy will get you. One Year Anniversary is a bizarre acronym for revisiting that torn battlefield.
How could I not take a monumental stop to pause the world for just one day so I could say thank you to God for adding 365 days to my life so far. I was heading into the day with that very mindset when I called a colleague about real estate and coincidentally found her to be a survivor. She is experiencing my greatest fear. She is a two-year survivor this month and they have found a mass on her lung. She seemed to be in good spirits, but I quietly crumbled on the other end of the phone. I quickly calculated if that were me I am only another year away from the hostile sound again. Time goes so quick.
Through an aware spirit I remembered the promise I made to God while laying on that PET scan machine. “I will write if you let me stay” A deal and bargain I made when all guns were calked and pointing at me. Here we are at the point of epic celebration and I am sweetly and gently reminded that my word has not been kept… YET. I am so thankful that my Lord factors in my humanity and broken integrity when I don’t do what I say I will do. I am grateful that He tenderly prepares me to succeed at His plans for my life. I could have called any agent that all too important day, but I called the agent who would trigger my forgotten promise. I lift my glass of bubbly bottled emotion and celebrate 2013 as the year that counts.