Moments of doubt. I think we’ve all had them, right? Maybe I’m alone in this, but I don’t think so. If you have ever doubted, have you doubted liked me? I doubt if I am making the right decisions, I doubt whether I am loved, accepted or even liked from time to time, I doubt strengths and I doubt weaknesses, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt. Then with my creative mind I assume. Assuming PROVES that all the things I doubted must be true! Holy cow… you must think I’m a little crazy just admitting this, but I’m pretty sure you’ve had these thoughts too. Let me give you an example; I discovered that every time this blog is read.. the numbers are tracked and a report is generated for the writer’s information. Well, I read that report and 4,000 people have read my inner most thoughts about my journey through cancer. Wow, I got a little intimated by that little fact and I began to doubt. Doubt that my writing was good enough for 4,000 people to spend a single moment of their time on. So, I assumed that my insignificant thoughts should just be kept to myself. You’ve heard the phrase; Kids are to speak when they are spoken to. That was my father’s rule, may he rest in peace. I’m equivalent to a big kid waiting to be spoken to. I say this with a giggle because several people are asking about the next post!
So, I apologize to anyone who has been following my journey. Let me share the last few months with a bird’s-eye view. As you can see, I’ve flipped my wig! Man oh man, 110 degrees is just too stinking hot to wear a fur hat in the middle of summer. My hair started to grow back about a month ago, which has really been exciting! In fact, I woke up this morning with a little pillow head and had to scoop a little water in my hand to splash down a couple of smashed hairs. More than one person has made mention of my Jamie Lee Curtis look-a-like style. Wow how liberating it is to towel off and go! I actually feel sorry for women who build their joy around a good hair day or bad hair day! For me, it’s a bad hair day everyday. You know what? I’m going to be happy anyway!
The last Chemo treatment was May 1st. Looking back on it I can say it all went so fast. Believe this or not but my last chemo was the scariest. Because the conclusion meant one thing; we were done fighting hope we got it all. The doctors said good luck, no guarantees. If it comes back I will live 2-7 years. I have follow-up visits every 3 months. That might sound intense to you, but for me it seems like someone let me out of jail! I must have my estrogen level tested every three months to make sure the medicine I’m taking is eliminating the production of that hormone. I’ll take that medicine for 5 years. I wish I could take it for ever, but they say five years is enough. The estrogen hormone was feeding the cancer. So if they stop it, cancer will not have food to grow. Here’s a big surprise, we found out that fat cells produce estrogen too! So It’s time for me to finish the weigh less project that I started last year. 45 lbs since last Sept 2011 have slipped away. I need another 15 lbs and then I’ll be right where I want to be.
Doubt and assumption. What a rip off! Let me remember that for the future. Love others! Don’t be concerned with the nay sayers and trouble makers. Acts of kindness are good for you, much like eating vegetables. The problem is that I’m the biggest nay sayer in my life! I must not ever doubt the Promise I have in God nor doubt the hope I have that all the cancer was eliminated with treatment. I must have Faith. I must wake up every morning with a grateful heart for another day. 2-7 years if it comes back. I gulp that down when I needed to be reminded the true importance of this life. It is not my to-do list. It is not my career. It is not my security. It is not whether I am accepted. It is simply to live a joy-filled life. Right now, in order to do that I must be reconciled in every relationship. Got work to do!
Much Love to You- Think Good Thoughts…. until we talk again!