The Battle Inside of Me

Embracing cancer is like putting together a 5000 piece puzzle. It takes more than a week. You put it together one piece at a time and each piece is examined to find its perfect fit. Brief moments are taken to refocus on the big picture and gain perspective. If I accept this mastectomy that means that I accept that I have cancer. That’s like putting together the inside pieces before you put together the border. By the way, that’s cancer will a lowercase c. I’ve decided that it doesn’t deserve a capital c. The surgery marks the beginning of the battle inside of me. I can hardly believe that I have the little “c”. How do I wrap my mind around a mastectomy when I can’t even believe that  I have c….? Hum.
It’s the eve of my surgery and I’m not ready yet, not ready I tell ya!!!! I don’t want to do this. I’m just not ready. Oh my God! Big picture, cancer un treated kills. Little puzzle piece, I’m alive today and don’t feel anything. Big picture, it’s going to be a long year of treatment, maybe hair loss and hopefully reconstruction. Little picture, they are going to CUT OFF my boobs tomorrow?!!!!
It’s the eve of my battle and new troops have flown into Las Vegas to bring support. My brother, his wife and children have arrived. We’ve busied ourselves preparing for their arrival by assembling taco night! No one was very hungry though. We shelled out small plates, made small talk and small bites were taken before we cleaned up. Looks like we’ll be eating tacos and that chicken enchilada dish  for days to come!
After my brother took his  family to a hotel for a night’s rest I sat up with my husband, daughter, son and mother and made my last not ready yet plea… I’m still not ready and there is no more time to get ready. We held hands and prayed. I heard the most gentle requests from our kids that Jesus would help me because I was seeking Him. I don’t think I will ever forget the power of their prayers that night as I lay down to sleep and apologized to my husband that cancer in my breasts was about to affect our life as husband and wife in a gigantic way. He told me that one day I would understand how much he loves me and how little it would  affect our life as a couple.
There was little sleep that night. I fell asleep around 1am and woke up again at 4am. What the heck, I was about to be knocked out and get plenty of rest for the next few days! Early in the morning I stumbled to a computer and found a message on Facebook from someone who knew of me but didn’t know me personally. She said that she couldn’t sleep and that she was awake and praying for my surgeon. I gratefully responded to her that I was up praying for my surgeon as well! Boy, I was glad that the Lord woke someone else up to pray with me! I came to find out that several people were up that morning praying for my surgeon. In the midst of it all I remembered a scripture that one of my friends shared with me in Joshua 1:9  “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; Do not be afraid nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”
That was it! That was what I needed. I could hear the power and reprimand in that scripture. It was God convincing me to Trust in Him. I repeated over and over… ” Have I not commanded you?…” At last, I found the right puzzle piece to move forward. Just in time to leave for the hospital.

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