Monday, November 21, 2011
Yes Lord, I will follow you in every area, absolutely I will…. except one. There is one area where I’ve decide that I am not enough, not talented enough, not skilled enough and not competent … that’s where and when I don’t want to follow you. You have asked me to write.. and I have said not now, not tomorrow, maybe never! I would love to write, but I really don’t think anyone will want to read what I have to say. This one thing is different. Please ask something else from me. Ask me to go to Africa and I will! Ask me to give away everything that I have and I will. Please just ask… ask me what I think I’m good at, what I think I can do and I’ll do that for you. If I could sing for others to hear, I would. Wouldn’t that talent at least be obvious? But to write, seriously? I can’t spell! My grammar is terrible and I failed high school English! They are just letters and words on a page. I really don’t think people would have any reason to read about my experiences. The yearning to write seems self-indulgent. An indulgence that bounces around inside of me and takes clippings from every lesson, every perspective and every circumstance. Boy, what I would say if someone would listen! But God, you are asking me to be transparent, to be vulnerable and expose all my weaknesses. Lord, I really don’t believe that anyone wants to listen… so it seems meaningless… to just write.
But now, my plans, my ideas and schemes have all failed. I have pursued the wealth of the world to find my security and found worry instead. I have pursued people who have failed me when they turned out to be simply human. I have pursued being the best mother, wife, daughter I could be for recognition and accolades from my peers; I discovered that they were here today and gone tomorrow. All the passions and dreams I held did not come to true. So my thoughts; Why not just do what you asked, Lord. I’ll Just Write.